Take My Breath Away

My breathing was audible in the stillness, and not just because of my heightened state of awareness. I inhaled slowly and deliberately, nostrils flaring out slightly, in an attempt to take in more air – willing the oxygen to push past the lump in my throat, half-trying to conjure up the relaxation techniques I learned long ago, at that acting school in Manhattan. Ah, the good ol’ days, when it was merely a touch of stage-fright that required the use of such methods…Am I still too young to reminisce? Surely at the age of thirty-five, I have earned the right to a few nostalgic moments, while recalling my carefree youth.

I could barely make out the trees, covered in darkness. The moon is just a sliver allowing me to glimpse the outline of the branches swaying in the autumn winds just outside my kitchen window. The darkness is somehow comforting. Now what? I ponder my options, remembering to breath deeply, in a feeble attempt to contain the swell of emotions rising up in mutiny, against me and my breathing exercises.

An undeniable surge of energy flows through me. I am acutely aware of my own desires. I must bury my emotions in the pleasures of a physical release. In my erratic state, I decide that yes, this is what I need right now, to rid myself of the anxiety that is plaguing my every cell. I am overcome by the intensity of this urge. I rise from my seat at the ornate, wrought iron and glass table that Jack and I purchased years ago in Mexico, and make my way towards the master bedroom. I move with feline accuracy up the eight wooden steps leading to the bedrooms, careful to avoid the creaky spots.

I pass the pictures hanging cheerily on the wall in our stairwell, of our two, healthy, blond-haired, cherubic-faced babies. Will is 4 and Lana just turned 2 years old. They are our greatest gifts in this life, looking like they belong in a surfing magazine on the west coast somewhere. I smile at them and know for just a moment that all will be well.

I open the door to our modest master bedroom, the king-sized bed and plush down comforter beckoning me closer. The red 12:22 glowing from the cable box reminds me that it is after midnight. I wonder how Jack will react to this late night waking. I walk around to his side of the bed, reaching for the edge, to help me maintain my bearings in the darkness. As my eyes adjust to the blackness of our bedroom, I can make out his mouth, slightly ajar as he snores out a little tune. This is not hot. But, no matter. He is the man I love, the man I married.

I carefully climb in on his side, sliding one of my legs up and over his torso, straddling him in one swift motion as I have done so many times before in our ten years together. He stirs just a bit, causing the snoring to stop for a moment. Without pause, I slide my hands up his shirtless chest and lock my knees tightly over his torso and arms, which are trapped under the blanket. Wrapping my hands around his throat – I squeeze. I squeeze and I squeeze, until his eyes pop open, wide with the surprise that his ever-loyal wife, and loving mother of his children, has suddenly turned to physical violence against him. In his sleep, no less.

I mean, we have had our ups and downs, but we have never been violent. Until now. I bring my mouth closer to his reddened and contorted face and I hiss out my inquiry, “How the fuck can you do this to me?!?! To our family?!” His gasping for air is a satisfactory answer to me, for now. Since I adore our children, and heaven knows that I would not look cute in an orange jumpsuit, I return to my senses. Choking him to death is not a viable option, appealing as it might be. I release my grip. I am glad we have had this talk.

Photo credit: http://www.myreservoir.net/tag/scorned-woman/

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F O R G I V E N E S S

Forgiveness, so pure,
Untouched, unsoiled
Unsullied, she soars.
Forgiveness symbiotically
Residing in Peace,
A seed within,
Beckoning our reach.
Her song beguiles,
Unheard, she cries
Patient, unmoving
Through her grace,
May we rise.
Unyielding in purity,
Woven in truth,
Forgiveness, a gift,
Serenity the proof.
To the beholder
And those who bask in her light,
Reaching for forgiveness,
Through suffrage and slight.
Within my grasp,
Never obtrusive,
Unencumbered by ego,
Ever-elusive.
Forgiveness takes not
Offense, nor slight,
She, never a slave
to the notion of “right”
Clinging tightly,
Fingers strained,
Holding her dearly,
I release the pain.

Photo credit: https//calmclarityproject.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/forgivenessisfreedom.jpg:

V I S I O N

Is it easier not to see me?

Arm extended,
pained, and painted
restrained, ill-fated,
reinforcing the gap.

Is it fear?
That onerous culprit,
slyly lurking about
the soul’s recesses,
perpetually postulating,
promoting propoganda
and plight.

Rigidly restrained,
boasting barricade,
taut and steadfast,
against all possibility
of seeing me.

Though the span
of space you
cling upon,
fixedly stares at me…
With hawkish reflexes,
I stare back, unafraid.
My vision clear and
unfettered by your
optical illusions.

I see you.

photo credit: http://hdw.eweb4.com/wallpapers/7922/

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Greetings! I have been nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award, by the fabulous, Victoria Dragomirova, who pens one of my favorite blogs, “My Inner Observer.” Her shared pearls of wisdom and insight on life, will permeate your thoughts long after you have ingested them. Thank you Victoria. You made my heart smile, by thinking of me.

I am truly grateful for, and inspired by my fellow bloggers. The openness with which they share their amazing journeys, warms my heart, cracks me up, and sometimes leaves me feeling downright, misty-eyed. Reading their stories, and being a part of this beautiful and inspirational community has elevated my level of joy in life.

I am elated that my peers are taking the time to read about my “adventures,” as I navigate life as a single-Mom, and “scorned woman,” seeking the ever-elusive…more. Thanks so much for the comments and likes, and for the kind support. I am seeking; I am learning; I am a work in progress; and I am filled with gratitude.

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I nominate the following people for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award:

Breathing Space

The Kindness Blog

Notes From The Bathroom Floor

Crazy Love Parents

Journey to a Healthy Me

TasteHitch

Blogging For Therapy

Revisions of Grandeur

Derelict Mom

The Rules for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award are:

1) The nominee shall display the respective logo on her/his blog and link to the blogger that has nominated her/him.
2) The nominee shall nominate 7-10 bloggers she/he admires, by linking to their blogs and informing them about the nomination.

Share the inspiration and the love. Happy blogging, everyone! 🙂

Photo Credit: http://nazneenzainal.com/2015/02/03/theveryinspiringbloggeraward/

Liebster Award

I have been nominated for a Liebster Award by an absolute favorite blogger and friend. The real Mom of Long Island’s musings about her life as the matriarch of a family of six, will make you laugh out loud, while gently reminding you to appreciate the little joys in life. Her voice is unique and relatable, and her writing style, as real as her name.
To the witty and down-to earth, mamalisa4 I am sending a big ol’, heartfelt, grinning Thank YOU!!!
The Leibster Award is a ‘Welcome to the Neighborhood’ nomination, which enables us to network with other bloggers!
The following are the questions, which mamalisa4 provided for me to answer:

1. What is the best book you ever read? This is a painfully tough one to answer. So many amazing books out there, to choose just one is really difficult. I am going to say, ‘The Alchemist’ by Roberto Coelho. It is an incredibly beautiful and timeless tale, detailing the amazing, life-changing journey of a boy traversing the road to manhood, and more importantly, it details in the most delightful way, his path to truth, and infinite wisdom. It is a book I recommend to absolutely everybody who enjoys reading, regardless of their preferred genre.
2. What is your favorite holiday/season?
Without pause, I can say it is the Christmas season. I love gathering with the family at Thanksgiving, knowing that it is just the prelude to the big celebration-to-come. The delicious smells, sights and sounds are intoxicating to the senses. Also, my children are still young, so I enjoy this magical holiday, filled with wonderment, through their eyes. And don’t even get me started on the food!!! The Italian seafood feast on the eve and then the repeat of Thanksgiving dinner, plus lasagna, on Christmas Day…Let’s just say that I am close to drooling on my keyboard.
3. Name 3 things that are in arms reach?
My cell phone, Thesaurus and a large plastic cup of ice water with lemon, and a screw top lid…nothing terribly exciting. It is worth stating that this Thesaurus has been with me for over 20 years, and has been a reliable and insightful companion throughout.
4. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
I see myself in a state of radiant health and happiness, appreciating each day, following my dreams. I am surrounded by loved ones and living my best life. Finding success in writing and public speaking, I gained a voice, which I utilize in a positive way, helping others through my work. My free time will be spent with my beautiful children and incredibly supportive family and friends. And there will be some serious traveling going on, especially but not exclusively involving multiple Caribbean Islands.
5. What are you terrified of?
I am terrified of not fulfilling my life’s purpose; of not being the best human I can be; of not being the best Mom I can be.
6. What is your best moment of childhood?
There are so many things that come to mind. I would have to say it was my first trip to California and Disneyland. It was a magical week. Not only was there the usual “Disney magic,” but we happened to stay in a hotel in Hollywood, where the premier party for the movie, ‘About Last Night’ with Rob Lowe and Demi Moore, was being held.
Being a pretty cute kid, I asked a man on his way out of the lavish bash if I could have his tickets as a souvenir, for my Mother and I. He obliged, and in we went, where we scooped up more tickets for my Dad and two other friends, which we had made during our stay.
We met and hung out with all of the celebrities, ate and drank and took photos with them. Amazing! With the heightened security today, the likelihood of something like this happening again is low. Timing is everything.
7. If you could travel to any other country, where would you go?
I have long dreamed of traveling to Europe, and making my way country by country, but if I have to pick only one I will choose Italy, even though Spain is in my head, reminding me of its beauty. I have ancestors from both countries, and the idea of traveling to the lands of my forefathers and mothers is exciting to me.
8. What random piece of advice would you give out?
Believe. Know in your heart that love is the answer. And lastly, smile often. And mean it 🙂
9 What is your dream job?
Ummm, I would like to do what Oprah does please. Does that have a specific title? Speak, write, seek, learn, grow, share and help others. You did say, “dream job.”
10. What is your favorite thing that you own?
Besides my Iphone? I know it is awful, but as I read the question, it eyeballed me from my desk, screaming, “Pick me! Pick Me!” O.K. My favorite item is a pearl and diamond necklace that was given to me by my parents, on my wedding day. It is a stunning and unique piece with drop pearls between diamonds. Having come from my parents, who I adore, it is priceless to me.
11. What do you like to do for fun?
I love to read and write, while perched comfortably under a hand-crafted palapa on the beach, overlooking the gentle lapping of the blue-green waves, as they reach the sandy white grains on the shoreline, while sipping a sinful and creamy frozen delight. Too specific?
I absolutely love spending time with friends and family, going to concerts, movies, and finding fabulous little eateries with shockingly delectable fare.
Fun could also be a great conversation with an interesting person, over a hot, delicious cup of coffee. After all, fun happens, wherever you make it happen.
11 Random Facts About Me:
1. I am a people person to the core. I sometimes say, “Getting along with all types of people, is my gift.” I can see the good (most of the time) even in people who others find annoying or worse…
2. Though I love people, genuinely I do, I have no tolerance for mean-spirited people, at all, and I will intercede to defend an underdog in need, without hesitation.
3. I started writing a novel when I was 10. I never finished, but it is adorable to read the chapters that I wrote.
4. I am a water-loving, scuba diving, swimming, snorkeling, one-time surfer (albeit, not a good one). Beach anyone?
5. I love animals and earned the nickname, ‘Dog-whisperer’ almost 20 years ago because I had this habit of finding dogs and returning them to their owners, or another home or safe haven. Truth is, on several occasions, my home was the new home and safe haven. My most recent street rescue, turned family member ‘Yogi Bear’ is curled up at my feet right now.
6. I love acting and theatre. For about 5 years in my 20’s I performed in local theatre companies and in an improv troupe. I attended the Lee Strasburg Theatre Institute in New York City, which is the same school that many of my favorite actors attended. Those were some of the most fun years of my life.
7. I am a highly social extrovert, who enjoys deep pauses of solitude. I need time to think and clear my mind. I enjoy time alone as much as I do spending it with others
8. Yoga and meditation have changed my life. The truth is that I need to inject both of those into my routine on a more consistent basis, because I feel fantastic when I do.
9. I can dance well to a variety of Spanish music, such as, salsa, meringue, cumbia, bachata and punta. I can also speak a good bit of Spanish. I learned all of this from the line cooks at a fabulous Steakhouse, that I managed in my twenties.
10. I believe that God and the Universe (or whatever it is you may call it) want to see each of us happy. I believe that we are the creaters of our own destiny. I have (finally) learned that whatever it is that I choose to focus my attention upon, it will grow and flourish, whether it be stress or joy. Today I choose to focus on the joy.
11. Saved the best for last. I adore my children with every inch of my soul and with every breath I take. My 8 year-old son (the lawyer), and my 6 year-old daughter (the performer), have brought me more joy, laughter and love than I could have ever dreamed possible. (Sometimes more stress than I dreamed possible too ☺)

I am nominating . . .

AnxiousMom

Revisions of Grandeur

Views From Behind Shutters

Viva Love Always 

Crazy Love Parents

The Whispering Pen

Tastehitch

 

11 Questions for you

1. Who is your favorite author?

2. How does your spouse/family/significant other feel about you blogging/writing?

3. Name 3 things which are in arms reach?

4. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

5. What are you terrified of?

6. If you could have a meaningful conversation with any person, living or dead, who would it be and why?

7. What is your idea of a perfect day?

8. What random piece of advice would you give out?

9. What is your dream job?

10. Who is your hero, and why?

11. What do you like to do for fun?

Your job is to answer these questions in a blog post and spread the Lieb!

Here are the rules of the Liebster Award:

1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.
2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)
3. Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
5. Nominate 5-11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this, since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)
6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.
7. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here.) Once you have written and published it, you then have to:
8. Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!).

And That’s How It Goes!! Thank you so much for reading and following!!!!